Giving your child random unearned rewards can lead to endless whining, begging, and other manipulative tactics.

When you give random unearned rewards to your child after they whine, cry and beg you teach them that if they whine and cry long or loud enough, they will eventually get their way. This only encourages them to do it again and again.

We want to teach them to acquire skills and abilities to perform a task. We do not want to teach them that begging or yelling gets things for no reason—this makes the rewards lose their value. At first, it will be difficult and uncomfortable when you stop the random splurges and little treats, but you will find long-term benefits. Your child will be more likely to complete their daily tasks and learn new skills and abilities that will help them become confident, self-motivated participants in their own lives.

With Nudge, rewards should only be given when your child has earned them through completing their tasks and earning points. Please do not buy or give unwarranted rewards such as random ice cream outings, frivolous gifts, and surprises even though they may feel good and make everyone happy temporarily (e.g., whether to ease whining or for a temporary mood boost).

When you give random rewards to your child you are actually causing your child to feel confused and unsure. The inconsistency can be very destabilizing for children because it undermines the structure you’ve built around how they can get the things that they want.

Remember that you are not being mean when you withhold. You are encouraging, supporting, and teaching your child to take initiative. You are creating a consistent and structured world where your child knows they can get what they want by working for it. When they feel that they’ve worked hard to earn that special treat, the real reward is the feeling of accomplishment and success that they gain. Nudge’s Rewards benefit your child long term since they feel in control of their own lives, and this feeling of control provides them with the confidence, motivation, and security to self-initiate new activities.